Big Brother
by SnapeWolf277
Summary: Well, it's finally happened. Klaus, Rebekah, Kol and Finn got drunk, and now Elijah has to not only cope with them, but has to keep them from hurting themselves - or each other. What's worse? They're not alone... Some of this is OOC, written just for fun.


Having simply popped around to speak with Elijah, the group of Damon, Stefan, Caroline and Elena were perplexed and bemused when they saw Finn collapsed on the ground in the driveway. Stefan had almost run him over but had stopped at the last second. When they all got out and peered at him, he was snoring heavily, and reeked strongly of alcohol.

Damon and Stefan dragged Finn, who was now waking, to the door while Caroline and Elena both knocked, hoping that someone was still inside. There were loud, funny noises, and suddenly Elijah was there, looking flustered and horrified.

"Uh, Finn's..."

"I know," he groaned. "Just... Bring him in here."

"Big brother," Finn walked into the door by way of greeting, arms stretched out in an attempt to hug. "How I love you..."

"Yes, yes," Elijah waved him off. Then there was a grief-stricken wail from deeper within the house as the group stepped into the foyer. Then a loud torrent of music exploded from the living room. Elijah stiffened.

"Oh god," started the vampire, then raced off.

Elena wondered what had him so worked up. It wasn't like him to act this way. In fact he seemed very disturbed. Their answer was given when Finn chased after him, and they were forced to follow.

They were all drunk. Well, aside from Elijah, who was as sober as an abstainer. Kol was sitting on the couch, the table upturned in front of him, and was wailing his lungs out. "She doesn't love meeeee!"

"Hush," Elijah tried to calm him, but his ears were ringing from the music. Klaus – and now Finn – were dancing atop the dining table, while Rebekah was snarling and lobbing cups and dishes at the hybrid, intent on either hitting him or firing until she ran out of things to smash. "I'm sure she does, but she's just being shy."

"You wouldn't know! You're single!" Kol screeched.

Klaus was spinning around on the table. "So are you if you can't get between her legs," he carolled, then laughed tauntingly as Kol started wailing again. "And I would wank five hundred miles, and I would wank five hundred more, just to be the man who wanked a thousand miles to end up at your door-"

"Klaus!" Elijah snapped. "Enough!"

Klaus never got to finish, for he started snickering right after. Finn slipped on a pool of spilled champagne and toppled off of the table with a gleeful cheer, though that ended abruptly when the corner of his head collided with one of the chairs. He knocked himself out and flattened it beneath him.

Elijah was about to run to his aid when Kol leapt onto him and crushed him against the couch, burying his face into his elder brother's neck.

"Bastard!" Shouted Rebekah, hurling more and more cups, which Klaus made a game out of dodging. One beamed him right in the face, smashing into tiny pieces and leaving him bloodied, but still they did not stop. "I too can wank!"

Elijah, suddenly aware that the Salvatore brothers, Elena and Caroline were in the room, looked chagrined. "Jesus," he mumbled under his breath. Kol let out a hysterical sob and hugged Elijah so hard that one of his ribs cracked. He choked on his breath and tried to wriggle free, but Kol simply wouldn't have it.

"How did this even happen?" Damon choked out.

Elena and Caroline were looking utterly embarrassed by Rebekah's statement. "Um, maybe we should leave."

"You love me, don't you?" Kol looked up at Elijah, whose eyes were as wide as plates. "I love you, big brother!"

Elijah choked on his breath – Kol had started tightening his embrace again. "Of course I love you, Kol. But I'd love it even more if you let go!"

Kol obeyed. Elijah ran over to were Finn was, ducking beneath Rebekah's missiles. Finn moaned sleepily, which meant he was just fine. A bit bruised, perhaps, but otherwise fine.

"I don't understand how you can," Klaus was jeering. Then he stopped dancing. "Elijah, how do girls masturbate?"

Elijah pulled Finn up and dumped him onto the sofa beside Kol. "Never you mind!"

Kol wiped a teary eye. "Well its easy, innit? They just put their hand down their-"

Elijah looked panic stricken. Rebekah interrupted his explanation with a swift punch to his jaw, which left Kol reeling. The blow was so hard that the couch fell backwards and Finn rolled over and stared dreamily up at the ceiling. He was asleep.

The four simply stood in the corner as Elijah dragged Klaus away from the pile of glass and threw him into a closet. Kol raced out of the room and headed upstairs, snickering at some plan that he'd conjured up from his muddled up mind.

With Klaus in the closet and Finn asleep, that only left Rebekah to deal with. She charged at Damon and he had to ram into her to stop her from assaulting the man.

"You shagged me!" She growled. "I thought you cared! You just wanted me for sex! Get off me, brother!"

Elijah's brow furrowed and he struggled against Rebekah's alcohol-fuelled thrashing. Several times she managed to almost land a hit to his face, but he refused to let her go.

"You'd better leave," he said. "Now!"

There was a shrill squeal from upstairs and then Kol danced in the room, holding some sort of tank. The word 'Helium' was plastered across its surface and he pulled the nozzle up to his face before twisting the release on it. The helium sprayed into his mouth and down his throat, and then he pulled it away again.

Then he screamed.

He sounded like Yakko Warner from Animaniacs, screaming at something particularly frightening. It attacked Elijah's ears fiercely and he recoiled, shaking his head to fight away the ringing.

Kol on helium was bad. Vampires didn't need to breathe – nor did they. The only way to return a voice back to normal was to breathe in enough air, though Elijah supposed feeding would get rid of its effects. Still, Kol would be like this for hours, giggling like a mouse in front of a microphone.

Elijah wouldn't be able to live through that.

Kol started singing along to a Justin Bieber song which had just come on the radio, and Elijah swore his head was about to explode. Faster than one could blink, he had crossed the room and brought down his fist upon the offending music box, smashing it into a thousand pieces.

At least Klaus hadn't started singing 'I'm a Barbie girl' within the closet.

Rebekah and Kol and went back to their fist fighting, though with Kol's high pitched insults, it was incredibly hard to take him seriously. Then Klaus found the handle on the inside, and freed himself to dive into the mountain of glass, which he then started making snow angels in.

"Big brother," Rebekah shouted, "Tell him to stop laughing!"

Kol snort-giggled. Rebekah punched him in the face.

Elijah was at their side, again, prying the hissing sister off of the prankster, trying to separate them. All the while he was conscious that they were not alone in the house, and that the Salvatore brothers, Caroline and Elena were backed into the corner, watching. If they had a camera, undoubtedly they'd be recording this.

Thankfully they weren't.

He pulled Klaus up by the arm and practically threw him back into the closet, then rounded on Rebekah and carried her upstairs. Kol was left on his own, swaying where he was sat on the floor, singing something or other.

And for the first time in many, many years, Elijah honestly and truly wished that he was dead.

"Jaffa cakes!" Squeaked Kol, and dove for the kitchen in a frenzy.


End file.
